I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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