you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
