It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
