your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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