it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
