i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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