I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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