if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Randomize
