there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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