I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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