It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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