Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
