dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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