Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
