Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
