i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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