I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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