so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
