we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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