I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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