I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
