Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
