my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
