The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
