god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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