You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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