You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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