I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
