Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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