I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
