Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
