it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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