at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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