that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
