He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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