I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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