The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
