Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
