remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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