I can tuck mytits in my pants
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
