theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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