I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
