I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Randomize
