you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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