Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
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