please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
this hospital has no fireball
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
