Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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