No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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