I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
They have beer where we have blood.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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