I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Randomize