I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I think your dad took our porno
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
