i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
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