everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
