I'm gonna have a badass scar
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
What a dumb baby whore.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
