I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize