Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
