And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
