he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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