So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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