I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
