found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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