Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize