He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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