It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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