Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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