Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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