i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
