wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize