my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
My feet surprised me
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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