just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
