When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
