His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
